itoshii kimi (beloved you)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Al clears his mind and leaves on a journey to find his brother…and himself.


**Fandom: Full Metal Alchemist  
Title: itoshii kimi. (beloved you.)  
Pairing: Alphonse + ?  
Rating: PG-13  
Description - Al clears his mind and leaves on a journey to find his brother…and himself.**

**Disclaimer - Full Metal Alchemist / Hagane no Renkinjutsushi isn****'****t mine. I****'****m just an Al obsessed lover.**

**itoshii kimi. (beloved you.)  
By miyamoto yui**

When I blinked my eyes at the morning sun shining down on my face, I turned over to see if my big brother was in the other bed still sleeping. Usually, he had a hard time waking up, but weirdly, today, he was already gone.  
His bed was neatly made with the crisp white sheets ironed out as if no one ever slept there. I stared at it for a moment.

I guess, deep inside, I never liked it when my brother wasn't in the same room as me. What I meant was that things felt empty when he wasn't there. It was as if everything was out of place and I didn't know where to start fixing all the problems it posed to me.

In the next second, I pulled off my sheets and cleaned my bed. Next, I fixed myself in the bathroom and ran downstairs to the waiting arms of my mother. She was looking out the window again.

She was always waiting.

My eyes watched her carefully before taking another step towards her. The sun shone on her face as if she were a part of it all along. She practically glowed as she stood by the window looking for any signs of our father, whether a letter or himself returning.

It ached in my heart, but of course, I couldn't say a thing.

I smiled as I ran towards her to hug her from behind.

With a sparkle in her eyes, her lonesome expression changed. She patted my hands and knelt down while pulling me over so that we could look at each other eye to eye with a grin. "Good morning, Al."  
"Where's Ni-chan?" I asked as I tugged on her violet dress sleeve.  
"Oh, he's over at Winry's already."  
"Why'd he leave without me?"  
"He didn't want to wake you up."

I was a bit sad over this because we did everything together.

After eating breakfast, I did my chores and ran over to Winry's by the early afternoon. After playing a bit, my brother brought me to an open lot with nothing but grass and small patches of just plain dirt around us. We weren't close to any of our homes.

"I want to show you something, Al." He brought out pieces of a worn-out, yellow blanket that was falling apart. It was my favorite one because Mother had made it just for me.

Somehow, he made a small sign using his index finger against the dirt. He put my blanket on top of it.  
After chanting some words, nothing happened. I watched him in awe, studying everything he was trying to learn about alchemy.

When sweat was pouring from his forehead, I took out a handkerchief and patted his head.  
"Thanks, Al."  
"Mm." I shook my head as I looked into those eyes that wanted so much to break the seal of the puzzle we couldn't open up.

I always liked his eyes when they were so focused. Were my eyes ever that way?

"Why are you trying to fix my old blanket? There are a million different other things we can try as experiments. Let's do something for Winry?" I took my hand away and folded it into my lap.

My knees were still knelt while looking at him thoughtfully. His eyes watched the sky and then he turned his head towards me again. He grinned and shook his head. While putting his hand over my head, he told me, "I promised you a long time ago that I'd fix it somehow."

It was worn out, but one time, we were playing with it as if it were a cape. Ni-chan stepped on the "tail" trailing behind and it ripped. I was devastated and cried non-stop until he made me a promise that he'd fix it someday. And as you know, when we made a promise to one another, it couldn't be overlooked or forgotten.

My heart began to stir when he reminded me those words at this particular moment. He really was a cool brother.

As a few days passed, we did projects. We made little things for our mother and ran to her to show her what we made.

Whatever it was, my brother was always so proud to show his. I shyly put my hands up to present these items to my mother, but they failed in comparison to my brother's. I was a bit jealous of this. How could he be so good? Would I always be second?

Would I always be under his shadow?

One day, I got really discouraged. I ran away to the lake and sat on a tree stump while overlooking a river. I sobbed loudly with my hands rubbing over my eyes. The tears wouldn't stop and I felt ashamed at being so foolish. I looked so weak, and for what? Because my brother did better than me in almost everything?

Would there be a time that he would tell me, "I wish I could do that like you"?

I cried into my hands until the sunset.

Out of nowhere, Ni-chan shouted my name, "AL~!"  
I sat up straight and knew I would be in trouble for not telling him where I was. I wiped my face with the back of my hands and held my knees.

He walked over to me and grabbed a hold of my shoulders while scolding into my face, "Al! You just don't run off by yourself!"

"You do it once in a while when you go to Winry's without me," I found myself blurting out.  
I couldn't believe it. And not to him. Not to the person I idolized with every heartbeat and pore of my being.

I was seriously hurt and angry.

He slowly blinked and peered closer at my face. "What's wrong, Al?"  
"Nothing," I calmly replied while looking him in the eye. "Let's just go home."

"No. We won't go until you tell me. It's our code. We can't go to sleep or do anything until we tell each other what's wrong." He laughed and shook his head while trying to make me laugh. "You know the rules, or…"

He knocked me off the trunk and started to tickle me.  
He sat on my stomach and I laughed so hard.

"Okay, Ni-chan! St-stop~! No, not there~! Ahahaha~!" I twisted under him as he tickled me behind my ears, under my arms, and on my ribs.

When I started to cough, he got off of me and stood up. Triumphantly putting his hands to each side of his hips, he smiled down at me. "Victory!"

Holding a hand out to me, I took and got up. I dusted myself off.

Strangely, I stepped forward. With a serious face, I patted his cheeks and then I let go. I looked deeply at that familiar, yet wonderful face. "You're always better than me in everything. I'm crying because I feel like you'll always be that way. I never do anything right."  
He took a deep breath and gave me a shocked face. "Really, Al?"  
I nodded sheepishly.

He closed his eyes for a moment. Then, he bonked me on the head.

It was me who closed his eyes for a moment as I touched the raw spot he just hit. "Hey, why'd you…"  
I opened my eyes to look at him once more.

I found my idol with tears in his eyes.

"…hit me?" I finished almost inaudibly.

"You're stupid, Al. How could you say that?"  
"Why? Everything you do is always so good. When you make something, you get the instructions really well. After just reading something once, you can already recite what it's just said. It takes me much longer." I clenched my fists in nervousness. "I feel like you're gonna leave me behind because you always go so much faster than me."

He reached out for me and hugged me warmly. Quietly, the usually confident and brash brother of mine, whispered into my ear, "I only do things well because you're here, you know that? If you weren't with me, I wouldn't even know where to start. Sure, there's Winry, but it's not the same like with you and me."

I buried my face into his shoulder.

Was that true? And did I always want to hear you say this to me?

"I like the way that you always try to make something that's not in the books. You always try to do something harder. I'm jealous of that. That's why I always try to see if I can make whatever I do better than yours. Yours are always so cool."  
"Really?" My face lit up as I looked into his.  
He smiled widely. "Yeah, really."  
"Thanks, Ni-chan."

He pointed at something in the grass. I walked over and picked it up. It was my blanket! I spread it out and looked at it.

It was all together. It was so bright and beautiful again!

"Ni-chan~!" I hugged him and jumped up and down excitedly. "You finally did it!"  
He shook his head. "I couldn't wait to fix it, so…"

I picked it up and saw the patches. As light as they were, I saw the slightly discolored thread running through the ripped seams. I watched my brother's face in the next moment.

It touched me so much I could feel my heart melting inside of me.

"You sewed it yourself…"

He was embarrassed as he unfolded his hands from behind him. Ni-chan brought out his hands for me to see. They were full of white bandages with specks of blood on them.

I couldn't breathe.

Before he could blink, I dropped the blanket and jumped into his arms. I kissed him on the cheek and held onto him tightly. "Thank you so much, Ni-chan. Thank you so, so much!"

I smiled so much that my face was hurting.

I knew that I was jealous of Winry. I didn't want to ever lose my brother. I just couldn't ever tell him that I couldn't imagine myself without him…

That was actually more of why I was crying alone there…

That was the day I knew that I would always be by his side, no matter what. And with those bleeding fingers, I somehow figured out that there were some things that had to be suffered through.

You couldn't fix everything.

Sometimes, that was the better path towards heartfelt sincerity and appreciation. Because you did it with your own hands, the pain was actually kind of beautiful.

**+/+/+/+/+/+/+/**

But why now? It was driving me crazy when people looked at me as if they knew something that I didn't. What were those forgotten memories? How could I get my brother back?

I didn't want him to bear it all alone. It wasn't fair…  
We made a promise, that's why.

I thought of all this as he kissed me with his hand in between my legs. I shouted all our pains as he tried to mark my body with his lips. But were we really thinking of one another?

What were we doing here and now on his bed? Was it even right? I would have been the age Ni-chan was when "we" met him.

All I wanted was to understand him and all the other loose ends that I couldn't get from anyone else. All the things that no one wanted to ever mention to me. But he was truthful.

He told me as much as he could remember. And I stayed here as long as I could.

As I took up my suitcase, in place of my brother, I gave Roy-san a kiss on the cheek. He stood at the doorway as I stepped away from him. We looked at one another for a long while.

The light from his house was bright against the darkness around me.

I can't live here anymore. You know that. I can't ask you to implant memories that aren't with this body or this Al. Not anymore.

We have to stop pretending to comfort one another.

Like with my brother, when we meet again, we will be different people.

"I love you" wasn't sufficient for any of us. We three thought about one another too deeply to cheapen it with that cliché of an emotion. There was much lost and there was much to gain. But we had all gained the meaning of life that no one could ever take away.

"Take care," he said to me with gentle eyes, but with a stern voice.  
"Thank you for telling me the truth," I sincerely answered back. "Thank you for everything. I'll see you later."

He still watched me as I walked down the steps. But I stopped again.

With tears in my eyes, I put my suitcase down. In my black, hand-stitched uniform, I raised up both of my hands equipped with my most valuable possessions.

He stared at the white gloves before him.

One had his emblem as the Flame Alchemist and the other was my brother's. It was the one that was put over his metal arm.

"I won't ever lose my determination, love, and focus because of these. I will guard these with my very life." I smiled. "I will come back."

Without another word, I turned around and left as dignified as the day my brother held my hand the day he gave me that blanket while heading back home.

Maybe it was good that this all happened. I used to be so angry at myself because of what happened. There were no answers, but multiplying questions. Now, I realized that this was the best way after all. I was given an opportunity like no other human being was ever offered.

For who was ever blessed to be given the honor of living because of someone else's soul?

I didn't know how else to describe it, but that was the best way I could explain it. And when I would see my brother again, I would be whole again.

This time, I will be able to touch you.

"We always like to make our lives complicated, don't we Ni-chan?"

I smiled at the stars above and continued to walk on the dark, yet long path ahead of me.

But that's why I always loved those sharp eyes of my most beloved. You always aspired to strive harder.  
And I wanted to be there next to you.

We always did it for one another without knowing the other was the source of our strength.

So maybe this happened so we could fully reach each other and the people we were deep inside. Even with all that's happened…

…aren't we so lucky, Ni-chan?

That's all that counts to me. As long as you exist somewhere, I will find you with all my heart.  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** This was one of those spur of the moment fics. Suddenly I had this image of Al as a little kid. Then the latter half of the fic happened as it was being typed. ^^;;  
I'd say this was an interesting type this time 'round.

Thanks for reading!

Love,  
Yui  
**  
January 9, 2005, 2:03 AM**


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